| a man learning how to fall? |
[27 Jun 2006|11:24pm] |
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mood |
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 !!!?!?! |
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music |
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The Go! Team - Huddle formation |
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so its finally down to less than a month and i'll be gone.
a lot has gone on.. and it almost feels like im dying. not in a tragic way or anything, just this kid i can't let go finally tired of kicking and screaming and we're finally goin to bed. whats so funny about this is i think this can be said of all the residence of champion safe houses we made. not the fact that we all grew up or that any of us are going to. but we always were kids with dreams aspirations. and i'll be the first to say life is shitty. so stuff like this keeps us going. i just chuckle at the thought that in the end we weren't so different after all..we just all took different paths in dealing with change. i don't think i can hate anyone for that. granted i feel like this ideal i've built has been shaken a bit.. but my core my morals are still the same, i just have to adjust myself to this "sudden" change. enough of that though!
i think regardless of that..i've actually put forth an effort to meet new people and in these past couple of months have i met some..people i really really admired and it makes me feel good i can still find so many awesome people in the world it makes this a lot less hard to do. because i figure i'll just meet more and more in my travels. so all you people i've met, remet, got to know thank you for givin me hope in people without you i don't think i could be as confident as i am that im doing the right thing. hell even the dudes who have been there all along.. i don't know what i'd do without you. i dunno. its you guys that let me wake up everyday and like myself. regardless of how scared or how much i don't want to go..you guys through your actions personalitys ..hell being alive let me know im doing the right thing. so no one go dying on me and i promise to do the same alright?
till then!
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7 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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| losing sleep, in too deep. |
[02 May 2006|03:02am] |
if you know the song you know me.
and in that i believe if your on here, you realize what i am or atleast who i am about. i'm a man about to give his life to humans, not to a country. I battle it. i want a simplier life even in a drunk state, but what do i have left to expose? apparently nothing. I went to a rally today which made me cry for the people not the situation. I thank god everyday i was given the opportunites i was given, i don't dwell on the past to where it eats me alive, but i gain knowledge from it, perhaps its made me a better man. The people who know me best might take something from this. all i have to say. is "leave it be, it was meant for me".
good fight
good night.
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17 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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[21 Mar 2006|05:11am] |
All the times that were good or bad,
and the thought of a future that I never had.
With the promise of heaven, and the threat of a hell...
A reality I did dwell.
And I did thrive on apathy,
and ignorance taught me the way it should be.
All along, all the lies I was fed,
would reassure I'd rather be dead.
All will die with thier memories,
little lives of misery.
Thirst for power = starve for pain.
All your money goes down the drain.
Like your life in your grave,
none of the power or the money is saved.
And you will die in your pain,
as all of it goes down the drain.
And I will rot in my grave,
and I will see that nobody is saved.
All is gone now, the hate and the pain,
all of it, is down the drain.
Now I'm dead to no dismay,
my body reeks, my flesh decays!
All is gone now, the hate and the pain,
reality down the drain.
In my grave...
no more pain...
no one's saved...
in my grave!
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4 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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| everyone goes these trials of self truth and self abuse. |
[19 Mar 2006|04:56am] |
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mood |
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 alive |
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music |
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Mad Caddies - Drinking for 11 |
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so these days i wake up thinking, "i'm alive!"
and thats the current theme of... well life for me.
i find it disturbing looking outside in that i find my favorite hobbie is picking my scabs to see if i still bleed red blood and not just clotting messes. i sleep on average a total of 3 hours a night. and on occassion my body (in a cry for help) will make me crash for 8 were i feel lathargic.
95% of my daily activities consist of me proving to myself that i am infact alive well and kicking. and all i all i have to ask myself is "is this really the mindset of a self destructive individual?!" i mean come on i feel there should be more. granted i have no desire to die even though most of my waking thoughts consist of discrete ways of killing myself and it looking like an accident. but you'd think i'd be sad..or angry or some other random negative emotion thats just it. I feel fine i wear a smile on this fuckin face of mine and all i can think of is ways to wear that same smile down the trail the dead have walked so many times before.
so illogical this all is. everything seems to be in order, i have no desire for someone by myside, moneys not really a problem, i don't even feel as if this were a cry for help. so i think to myself..could possibly this be the life style i've dreamt of but been so scared to just run with..for so long and if so what made me so damn scared?! why ramble on about this@!? it seems crazy all of it. but it makes perfect sense to me and well i take assurance in that fact. it makes me feel a bit more human i guess, a bit more real, a bit more tired.
i could go on and on. and all these rhetorical questions are getting silly. i think i'll just drink to this for tonight. if only it were only tonight.
if only.
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1 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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[06 Feb 2006|12:14am] |
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We are human... after all atcha' comin'... after all
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Join the Cause
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[05 Feb 2006|08:02am] |
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mood |
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still standing |
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music |
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there is a light that never goes out. |
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so i've just gotten back from an all nighter with my very dear friend blake. we sat and talked people were around and honestly, i feel honest. like as if you were to ask me any question right now i could answer it truthfully. the pain that entails i realize now, the burden of having truth on yourside. as humans we're not ones to handle that kind of knowledge, well in the sense complete truth in the whole aspect of things. think yourself more strong willed, thats fine, but at the end of the day, in my eyes atleast, your still fooling yourself. to be able to take knowledge in a whole aspect regardless of how cruel or great it is. is too overwhelming in the human conciousnes. now mind you yes i maybe drunk, (4 shots of yaeger, cheeseburger) but im not drunk enough to not realize that, nor am i saying that we need to be told lies. if anything im saying well im drunk and i feel the need to rant, i think the idea at first was to rant on god with specific points and what have you but, right now they don't seem important especially since, i know talking of it won't help me out nor change anything. if you'd like to know ask. i know im entitled to one drunk rant a month on live journal and i think today is the day i realize that im going to cash that coupon in. can you tell yet? yeah i can too. i don't know, at the end of the day i don't deny god for whats happened i just wish i knew what the plan was. regardless. im kind of stumbling over my words and i'm too impatient to re read what i've typed in any event, disregard this. all of it. perhaps im just a drunk guy who misses how things once were. maybe in a sober state i can make sense of all this. right now i just don't seem to care.
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4 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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| mission accomplished! |
[31 Jan 2006|02:10am] |
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mood |
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dudez. |
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music |
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ironically not ozma. |
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finally a night to drink, and with the added bonus of no bad place in sight. but i've been spending time on the borderline. so who knows what'll happen next. stay tuned. <3
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4 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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| drink up |
[23 Jan 2006|03:01am] |
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mood |
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what do you think? |
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music |
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elliot smith - between the bars. |
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so my ankles jacked and i've had the last two days to sweat out whatever sickness has been festering inside of me and i can say its been the worst two days i've had in a long time. the place i feel most comfortable is on the floor. its been hell with dreams and realizations of your self hammering at your confidence and resolve. its more or less kept me from my goals, made me rethink a lot of things that have happened. the cold has been a constant these days. i can't seem to keep my hands warm. i go to school tomorrow. i'm tired and im tired of lookin up. i don't even want to relax anymore. i got a job offer tonight too with one of my best friends and to top it off i'm planning out a trip after i get my emt certs to go from here to austin to california on my bike. i heard an inspiring story, and realized there are a bunch of people who do this kind of thing. its amazing a dream of mine..i guess i'll just see what happens at the end of the day. i grow weary, of this. all of it. i just hope i don't flake out on all of this.. i don't want to romance this dream i want to live it.
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Join the Cause
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| TANK! |
[17 Jan 2006|12:13pm] |
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music |
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soft sounds of fluids leaving your throat. |
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tomorrow, i shall be given the gift of sight.
i hear its the first of many quests one must take in order to obtain transportion freedom.
i still can't help but be excited.
i already want to get in my first crash.
http://www.blackbook.org/2002/10/Images/021011.vulcan_500.jpeg
heres the lady thats going to get me in so much trouble.
oh and school starts tomorrow.
this plate is full now, and hopefully i can start doing everything i've aspired to do for so long.
hopefully i can find a place to move to. i got my sights set on a place hopefully it all works out.
just live fast, look forward and don't look back.
heres to the life of champions.
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6 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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[12 Jan 2006|10:37pm] |
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mood |
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^_^ kawaii |
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music |
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morning musume |
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http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2949606881703767928
as jen sits here and cuts camerons hair for his voyage tomorrow. bob and i realize what we must do as men. and what you must do as a man as well. we are calling for only the bravest loyal souls who wish to recreate this video. i see this being a crowning achievement in manliness. all we ask is when we get everyone together you learn the song( and dance so we can reshoot a totally male version of it) which can be found on mr garcia's livejournal http://www.livejournal.com/users/corpus_longinus/10510.html
feel free to give us any more ideas. we're open to em.
also if your name is cody, ben, and josh im pretty sure you have to apply for this or i won't be your friend anymore.
<3
dudez.
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9 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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| Lost: I have therefore i am. |
[08 Jan 2006|09:28am] |
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mood |
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 comfortably numb |
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music |
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nightingale - glory days |
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without anyone else to think about, i notice my body likes to destroy itself. it hates what it is..what it has become and whats instore for it. with self esteem shot and not a second glance... i've become what i've always feared: ******. in these timeless hours, i feel a sense of invulnerablity in the air. moral is high nothing can get worse and the best part is i go about my life coughin up blood and foam. i feel rabid, and i thirst for what? i couldn't possibly begin to tell you. my emotions run wild and, yes in these TIMELESS hours i take full responsiblity of their actions. a rasp chokes at my throat and i have no one to blame but myself, its like i wanted this all to happen to see whats its truly like to tear yourself apart. I'm not there yet but I aim to fix that. I want to fall down, but it seems i can't. too many or too much won't let me lay my head in the inviting dirt where it belongs.
and here comes the confession.
i honestly wanted to feel safe.
i wanted you to lie to me.
so you didn't and you did
for what its worth i'm glad.
chin high
head up
back straight
kiddos, this is the beginning of something
beautiful.
my eyes are open with a nice touch of glaze to them.
the tears that i cry from the eyes of the betrayer just might be the last that i taste in this life. and there is no room for sorrow in this image of a lifetime. only delight and joy life has given me.
lets hope i don't let anyone else down, because i seem to do that.
hell even myself.
now i ask you, you, yes you, you, you too, you, you, you, hell even YOU.
who wants to witness
something new
something old
something real
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4 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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| i really like this song. |
[12 Aug 2005|04:24pm] |
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music |
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GUESS AND WIN A SMOOCH. |
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I've met some people along the way, some of them split some of them stay, some of them walk some walk on by, I've got a few friends I'll love till I die From all of these people I try to learn, some of them shine some of them burn, some of them rise some of them fall, for good or bad I've known them all We live our life in our own way, never really listened to what they say, the kind of faith that doesn't fade away we are the true believers well you can fight or you can run, under a rock till the war is won, play it safe and don't make a sound, but not us we won't back down true believers all the way, you and I.
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9 Were Self Destructive| Join the Cause
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the7thdeadlyzen's journal
anxious